P.T.S.D. and Me, 2 and A Half Years Later.

Through exploring birth advocacy I have met women who are dealing with birth trauma. Most show signs of trauma induced anxiety, and some, like me, have p.t.s.d.

I was recently asked by a newly traumatized mother "Does it get better?"

Of course, my first instinct was to say "Yes, it does".

And it is true that the first wave of constant hyper alertness, nightmares, intense fear for yourself and the baby, grief and panic does pass. But does it get better, or just different, was the question I found myself pondering.

The nightmares are less. The obsession about the birth is less. I can get past more of the fear. But the bigger ripples are starting to show up in my life.

I find myself doing somewhat "crazy" things. In fact the last time I was alone with my toddle in the house overnight, we ended up barricaded in his bedroom. Three large switch blades, (I DO live on the side of a mountain so I own these as protection against cougars and bears), a big can of bear spray, and the phone were not enough to make me feel secure. I ended up having to slide the huge heavy dresser across the door in order to sleep at all. I spent much of the night imagining a crazed person breaking in to my house and trying to get in to our room. Should I stand my ground and try to stab him? Use the fire ladder to escape out the window? Spray his face with pepper spray? This was not a great way to spend any night. Never in my life before my little ones eventful birth have I had this type of overwhelming fear. Fear that prompts actions that I don't want to teach my child.

Also my anxiety has caused issues for the health of other members of my family, most notably, my older son. I ended up calling an ambulance for him thinking he was having an asthma attack, and he was, sort of. He had good oxygen levels, but was quite distressed and scared and breathing strangely. After being interviewed by the paramedics, nurses and then doctors it came together that I had freaked out so much over what was most likely a pre teen hormonal moment(acting funny, not responding to what I was saying) that he had been convinced that he was having a major attack and started to feel terrible. Basically I had caused the attack, -not so awesome.

I also have to really fight to stay positive, and not constantly think about the demise and my loved ones, or myself. A bout 10 years ago a good friend, who had had early childhood trauma, told me that when she says goodbye to anyone she cares about she always believes it will be the last time she will see them, Because of this she feels sorrow and fear at all partings. I was shocked, how could she be living with so much sadness? Now, I too have this burden.

So does it get better? Well for me it gets less acute. I have fun now, I enjoy my children, there are many moments when p.t.s.d. is not affecting me. But it has settled deep, and two and a half years later the journey to healing is certainly not over.

The upside of this: I am sure that this journey was one that was given to me with purpose. I am moving in circles with women who I know were meant to be a part of my life. We are working together to help prevent birth trauma and that is a powerful thing.

I am part of a new birth trauma peer support group. Which has a user friendly, yet highly informative website that I would whole heartedly recommend.

http://www.vancouverbirthtrauma.ca/

Here's to healing and helping. And really I think it's fair to say that Yes, It Does Get Better.

"Natural Cesarean" Why the Controversy?

This tissue has been brewing for me for the last year.

The issue is this; in most hospitals cesarean protocol is antiquated in a number of ways. Routine separation of mother and baby is the norm. Often baby is sent to the nursery, or at best is sent with dad(or partner) to wait for the mama to come out of recovery.

Even at the hospital I birthed at that allowed skin to skin in the OR, and babies in recovery, my perfectly healthy newborn was not shown to me for around ten minutes while he was weighed and measured and tagged, and a medical student practiced a newborn exam on him.

The atmosphere in the OR was "business as usual", cold impersonal, lacking in any "warm fuzzy" feeling at all. I was told my son had been born by having one of the docs declare "1:25" loudly at my face. When I didn't respond he clarified "That's the time of birth". The doctors talked to each other as if I wasn't there, discussing my "bladder dissection" as a example of how to avoid nicking a bladder. The operating doctor didn't say anything to me in the OR at all, in fact I didn't even know who had operated on me until three weeks later.

This was on top of numerous experiences in the lead up to the surgery that led me to file a formal complaint. And to suffer p.t.s.d. I still struggle to deal with symptoms.

As part of my healing process I started researching better cesarean techniques. I was sure that there had to be a way cesareans could be done in a more holistic and psychologically sound manner. I was thrilled to find this article:

The natural caesarean: a woman-centred technique

J Smith,^a F Plaat,^b and NM Fisk^ac

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2613254/

It describes a more holistic cesarean experience, keeping the focus on the family, early contact with mother and baby, allowing the parents to watch the birth and more. The result is much happier mothers. Less trauma more satisfaction.

I was so happy. A team of wise care providers had pioneered the exact type of technique I was thinking about.

And then I started talking about it on the "natural birth" type forums I was frequenting. Instead of embracing this "woman centred" cesarean the idea was attacked. And I was attacked for championing the idea. I was accused of promoting elective cesareans, being complacent to the cesarean epidemic, and told I lacked integrity. Let me tell you it was a shock, especially as a new cesarean mother suffering greatly due to the non woman centred protocols I endured.

Two concepts seem to really offend. First, the term "natural cesarean" that just gets so many folks nickers in a twist. "Cesarean aren't natural" they proclaim. One blogger says

Natural caesarean section? CODSWALLOP!

The other is that the article describes a technique for elective cesarean surgery. Apparently this is an evil that haunts many birth advocates. The fact that the article clearly states that these techniques can be modified for the emergency situation. Obviously a emergency section mother is not going to tour the OR before hand, but they could still have the screen lowered to view their babies birth. Makes sense to me.

When I saw this post at Lamaze's Science and Sensibility by Kimmelin Hull got me all bothered all over again. I would summarize the authors stance as this: Doing cesareans in a more woman centred way is too risky as it might further increase an all ready unhealthy cesarean rate. The author quotes a doctor as calling gentle cesarean techniques "window dressing".

Are you freaking kidding me!

These are harm reduction techniques not fluffy inconsequential stuff.

I wrote the following response:

I believe that ALL cesarean should be done in a better, more human way. To imply that making them more “natural” will result in more women picking them I think is not giving women enough credit. As you point out no matter how humanly a cesarean is done it is still major surgery with potentially life long implications.

I also believe that one of the reasons that woman choose repeat sections is that their first section was not the experience the wanted and they believe, and are often told, that a planned section is much better then a emergent one. Perhaps if the initial sections were not so trauma inducing women would be emotionally more ready to choose a vaginal birth next time.

It seems wrong to not do what ever we can to promote emotional health of the mothers and babies, and I firmly believe that every care provider should be striving for the most holistic birth possible, even if that ends up being a “natural cesarean”. Emotional health is a part of birth that is often an after thought,but it shouldn't be. I believe doing woman friendly cesarean can help avoid the increasing cases of p.t.s.d., a debilitation and potentially long term health issue.

One of the saving graces of my sons emergency c.s. is that he was placed skin to skin in the OR with me. It a moment that I use to help balance the rest of my experience which was very non “natural cesarean”.

Many other woman agreed with these sentiments and many adding their our outrage. Still the author didn't back down defending her position by referring to a fictitious woman who is exhausted and not progressing, who given more support and time could have had a vaginal delivery but is convinced by a doctor to let them do the c.s. by promising low lighting and music.

Sorry but I think this is total B.S. Woman are convinced by doctors to have cesareans because they are told their babies could be in danger. I haven't met one unplanned cesarean mother who wasn't told some version of "it's better for the baby" to have surgery.

I followed up with this post:

@Jane “Failing to fully get behind efforts to make c-sections less traumatizing and unpleasant for mothers and babies is just disappointing and wrong” I totally agree! Thank you for your post.

If this topic were a way to make cesareans physically safer there would be no debate.

A technique to prevent maternal deaths from cesareans would be embraced. I really can’t see how can any birth advocate justify denying “gentle” or “natural” cesarean techniques . I recently read that p.p.d. and p.s.t.d. can result in suicide. It is also reported that cesarean mothers are at greater risk for these disorders. I feel it’s not too far fetched to infer that:

protocols that lessen the trauma experienced during a cesarean is life or death matter.

I think it’s terribly harmful to try to prevent the dissemination of good information in suppressing “natural cesarean” techniques simply because of fear and a misguided attempt to influence the cesarean epidemic this way.

To me the natural, woman friendly, family centred, or gentle cesarean is a topic that should be addressed outside of the debate as to how to reverse the tide of the dramatic overuse of cesarean sections in the developed world.

Empowered women make good choices, not women living in fear of outdated protocols.

Think of how ridiculous it would seem if home birth advocates were calling for routine separation of mothers and babies in hospital to try to convince woman to home birth.

It is misguided to defend leaving cesarean protocols as they are as woman are being harmed.

I’m ashamed to hear otherwise wise birth advocates(both here and in other forums) bowing to fear and trying to prevent harm reduction techniques

I didn't get a direct response from the author to either of my posts, but feel so glad to see the number of women who also stood up for this very necessary dissemination of information.

Okay, I feel a little less bothered now. I guess that's what's really great about blogging is you get to say your piece.

Here's hoping that we can come together to better the treatment of families during cesareans.

All That Matters is a Healthy Mother?

We have all heard it time and time again the many versions of:
"all that matters is you have a healthy baby".

Often I found this to be in response to people finding out that my newest son had been born by unplanned cesarean section. But I also found that a version of this phrase was tossed out when I talked to birth professionals about the lack of prenatal information about cesarean avoidance and/or preparation.

I once suggested that women should be given more information about their risk versus the unborn baby's risks of cesareans. The response I got was:
"Most mothers would say to do what ever it takes to get the baby out safely".

I felt like I was being chastised for suggesting that I might choose their safety of myself over the safety of my baby. I quickly dropped the subject. But months later I think.
Am I really the only one who would choose me?

Through out my pregnancy my greatest fear was that I would die in childbirth and leave my older son motherless. I no longer do many of the more risky things my pre-mother self did and I felt that I had taken on a risk in being pregnant and giving birth that was unfairly exposing the mother of my son to potential harm.
Apparently this fear is fairly common in second time mothers.

I would look at my 8 year old and imagine the life he would have without me and how much emotional damage would be done to him if I didn't make it though the pregnancy and birth.
I should also note that this fear was greatly enhanced by contracting H1N1 at about 30 weeks.

If I had been asked who's life should be protected first I would have picked my sweet eight year old's mama (me) over the baby in my belly, who is now my beautiful 2 year old son. Yup it might sound terrible to say but it's true.

And I don't say that lightly-but if it had to be one of us, I would take on the pain of loosing a child to protect my other child from the pain of loosing his mom.
And I know it would be awful.
I was there for one of my best friends when she lost her newborn. I grieved along with her and saw the total and horrible sadness that consumed and transformed her. Her life was never the same. She is a very different woman because of the loss of her new baby.

Maybe I am the only one. Maybe I am driven by a subconscious selfishness that I have justified to myself. But I will stand by my assertion that we should be given a choice in who's health is the most important.

Would I give up my newest son to avoid the P.T.S.D. that I endure because of his birth, no way.
But for example...
Should a women with her heart set on a very large family have the right to decline a cesarean for fetal distress knowing it could put future pregnancies at risk?

There are so many different scenarios. So many different risks and wants and beliefs. Should we be informed and be able to choose for ourselves?

Am I crazy to think that many there should be a box to check that says "Protect me first"?

I'm going to end with a phrase we are starting to hear more...

Mother's Matter Too

PTSD and Me.

I've seen a few post around the 'net in the last little while about PSTD caused by childbirth. Two years ago if you had asked me what post traumatic stress disorder was I would have told you that it was what happened to people who were involved in combat or violent crime.

Now I know differently.

For me it started almost immediately. Within hours of my baby's birth if I would fall asleep for even a moment I would be shocked back awake by violent dreams, mostly about people killing my baby. I wont go into details, but they were so awful that I didn't sleep at all for over 30 hours. No sleep at all despite 12 hours of labour followed by surgical birth. Finally, I literally passed out and slept dream free for a few hours only to wake up in a panic as my baby wasn't beside me. And when I say "panic" I mean I had what I believe to be the first anxiety attack I've ever had. Heart racing, cold sweats, nausea, and terrible fear. I quickly discovered I had to be in physical contact with my baby to feel even the slightest bit grounded.

Part of this reaction was likely due to the large amounts of morphine I had been given. Looking at my records I see that I was given hydromorph twice when I thought I was getting tylanol and that was on top of the 48 hours worth of morphine put through the epi line at the end of my cesarean. Some people feel awesome on morphine, I'm not one of them. My sister who came to see me in the hospital, on day two, realized what was happening, as she too reacts badly to opiates, can't sleep, lots of nightmares. But the other reason I was having these feelings was a much more complex issue I would eventually learn was my very own p.t.s.d.

I thought things would be better if I could just get out of the hospital and go home. I remember being very aware of "looking the part". I got into my flower flannel pajamas, and walked circles in the ward to prove I was ready to go home. The doctor agreed and I was free to take my baby home.

Unfortunately, things didn't get better. While the drug induced nightmares lessened, I was still plagued nightly by disconcerting dreams of birthing in dirty, public places or being chased by blue clad people through halls that turned Esher-like into themselves. Toss in the odd full blown hunted by a serial killer dream, and I found that most mornings I awoke in tears.

I also had a desperate need to be near my baby. I couldn't bear him to be out of my sight, or panic would start to set in. Yet strangely I didn't feel bonded to him in the way I had with my first born. While I needed him near me I didn't have any of the blissful gazing moments I had had naturally with my first son. In fact I had to remind myself to smile at him and talk to him and love him in the way I knew he deserved. I feel eternally grateful that his traumatic birth was not my first baby as I was able to recognize early that I wasn't bonding normally and actively work on bonding techniques. (I'll devote a whole post to that some time soon!)

I tried to find a way through this confusing time. I had a huge need to talk about what had happened to me. I needed to try to piece together what had occurred. I tracked down my primary care provider who was able to answer some of my questions and helped me fill in some of the information I needed. It made me feel better to know the details and not have a hole in my understanding of the first few moments of my son's life, but some of it made me angry as I realized that my experience had been made much worse by needless protocols and a lack of compassionate bedside manners.

The months ticked by. The nightmares continued and other symptoms started to be apparent.
Before my second son's birth I had what I would consider normal protective fear for my children. I would watch at the window while my 9 year old crossed the road to play with the neighbour and I would feel slightly nervous, silently willing him to be careful and watch for cars. Now it is completely different. Now I watch at the window in complete fear with violent images of him being killed by a speeding car flashing through my mind.
Every day I was( and still am) faced with heightened fear. Violent images of my loved ones meeting horrible deaths are hard to keep in check.

I started to search for information on what was happening to me. Soon I was reading about symptoms that sounded just like mine. I found information through ICAN's Recovery pages. You can find their info about PTSD and PPD HERE
http://www.ican-online.org/recovery/postpartum-depression-and-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

I also found on online community called Solace for Mothers http://www.solaceformothers.org/
where many women gather to share their stories and support each other. Unfortunately, I am not alone. Many, many women have ptsd from childbirth, and this online forum is so helpful as it can be really hard when no one understands what you are going through.

Fast forward to 18 months post birth and many sessions with a good councilor. I still have nightmares, but not every night. I still have way more fear then is healthy. I still have anxiety and hyper-vigilance. I still have lost some of the joy in my life to this condition. But I have hope. Hope that I will learn ways to overcome. Hope that one day I will be able to feel normal again. This year my plan is to watch the elementary school concert and NOT jump up to grab my kids and run when the grade ones stand up to sing a holiday song.

Some times I wonder why did my cesarean birthing experience result in ptsd for me when so many other women don't suffer from this.
In the thinking I have done about this I have come up with the facts that I am a very sensitive human. I am often struck by how much more information I receive then others close to me. Often this has been a great gift but when in a traumatic situation perhaps having such highly open senses may not be a good thing. I also have a extremely precise memory for what people say and do. (I got by in university by going to class, if heard the prof say it chances were high I would remember it, -sure beat studying) These are the attributes that I think lead me to be more susceptible.

I have read that some people think that some women are more likely to get ptsd because of previous experiences. This bothers me because who has had the perfect life? By the time we are of child bearing age who hasn't had their share of heartache and pain? Maybe for some prior traumas may add to their risk, but my own experience is that even a normal life can lead to reacting to birth trauma in this way.

Well thats my little bit on that. I hope that it is helpful to some.

I would like to end with this;
PLEASE If you are suffering don't suffer alone. Reach out. It's hard, you may have to reach out more then once ( I did), but when you start to find a way to feel better it will be worth it.

Resolution

There are these moments in my life when I feel a little push from the devine. Sometimes it's a gentle nudge in the right direction, sometimes it's a unwelcome shove that sends me into a momentary free fall.

I was just reminded about one of these moments. In the fall of last year I had written a "Review of my Birthing Experience" and was contemplating what to do with it. While I felt that it should be read by the care providers at the hospital I had delivered at it was extremely difficult to face the idea that numerous people would examine me again. No, not physically, but psychologically-I knew my experience would be reviewed and dissected by many, many people. I would never meet these people or even learn their names. I knew I would be criticised.
And worse then anything else, I would never know the truth about what was said about me behind those closed doors. And so I did nothing. I left my "Review" in a file and tried to move on with my life.

And then I picked up the paper in a coffee shop one day in December and on the cover was a picture of a vibrant young mother and her baby. The mother was a doctor who had spent her career delivering babies and her baby was born the same month as my baby at the same hospital. The story in the paper told of their death in a plane crash. Tears jumped to my eyes.

The next day I sent the review to the complaint department of the hospital.

Life is short. Life is too short to wait for another day for anything.

I read that this young mother/doctor had great faith in the hospital I delivered at and I'm sure she would want it to be the best it possibly can be. Criticism is a great motivator for change.
So in saying prayers for her family, and sending my review I tried to honour her life.

Dealing with the complaint wasn't fun, it didn't make me feel better, in fact in many ways I felt worse, but it was a push towards more positive births. By providing my feedback to those who cared for me I can only hope that there were ripples of change.

I believe saying our truths can be one of the hardest things and also the most important.

I was sent this in an email;

"Finding strategies to heal and integrate the experience in your truth takes time, energy and resolution."

And so, by chance yesterday, I found myself reading about that mother and her baby again;
lives lost reminding me to take a breath and feel my resolution.

My Story, blogs and

Finally a moment to myself (hmm and the whole wide world I guess...)

I've been really wanting to write lately and have found that I just haven't been able to fit it in.
The reasons seem to be both physical and mental. My 11 month old slept a whole 17 minutes today- all in the car seat. Can't multi-task much from from there. I'm working on excepting that I'm on the "three year chase" part of having a child, especially a boy!

I surrender to reading the same alphabet book 9 times a day.

It's also spring which for me means garden time. A time when I need to plant and weed and ready the soil. I love growing food in my yard. It makes me feel free and whole to eat things I grow myself. Some day I will start a garden blog as I keep promising all my aspiring gardener friends.

But back to this blog. I feel like I'm turning over a new leaf. I've become more self conscious. When I started posting here I had no idea about the world of blogging. I was frantically researching, trying to get some understanding of this totally surreal thing that had happened to me: the surgical birth of my son.

As I was discovering facts and information I realized I felt a need to make the things I was finding available to others. The idea of blogging came from a woman I went to high school with who has a blog about mothering. She sent me a link to it on facebook. So that's how I got here, my technological foot print.

I thought that I would have to try to get people to read what I wrote, that I would have to send them the link. I'd never heard of"google alerts".

Now I know that there are people out there who are reading what I write and I am humbled.
Thank you for those of you who have stopped by and said hello. You have encouraged me to keep doing and lending my voice to this important issue. I have recently learned that my province has the highest cesarean rate in Canada (30.4% during latest reporting period 2005).
Yikes.

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of the problem. I've become involved in ICAN by starting a local chapter. Meeting women who have faced these same challenges, who are scarred by their babes' birthing.

Wow(okay that is sarcastic hey it's better then a "bad word"), the more I learn about the state of birthing in the world the more dire the situation appears. Thankfully there are many pushing to keep birth holistic and empowering.

I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to cause change, to get the info out there and the result is less productivity. It seems if I want to I could see almost everything as an analogy for birth -the more you surrender the to your own flow the better.

So I do have a couple of half finished posts that I will work, but without guilt in the speed of their arrival. I will not be cynical. I will believe in change.

Spring Hello

Well it's officially spring today. I'm amazed that the year has turned seasons already.
I haven't blogged in a few weeks, decided to take some time to explore the world of bloggers and I want to say that I am totally impressed by the wonderful, committed, and passionate women out there. I'm going to put together a blog list, but I'm still working on it.

I'd also like to thank Michelle at BirthCut for doing a fantastic job putting together a "Positive Cesarean" page. I now believe that even the most ardent home-birth activist should protect themselves by having a "last resort" cesarean birth plan. I've spent the last 11 months trying to sort out my head from an emergency cesarean and I'm sure had I spent a short time really considering how to best cope in that situation I'd be much better off.
You can find it at:
http://www.birthcut.com/thepositivecesarean.htm

I'm going to focus my next few posts on reviewing articles that offer scientific evidence of how best to create cesarean births that achieve healthy psychological outcomes. Again, this is going into academic literature so I'll do my best but please forgive my mildly dyslexic (yes really) writing.

I'm off to tend to my garden, one of the things that has helped my healing has been connecting with the earth in a literal way. Nothing like digging in the dirt to let my inner earth mama out!

Summary

I thought I'd take a few minutes to summarize the previous five posts as they have all been links.

The links are to numerous writers including a doula, a birth educator, academics and patients all suggesting that cesarean sections can be done in a way that results in a better experience for the birthing woman.

Based on the reading I have done, links mentioned and my personal experience would like to suggest that all women considering childbearing give at least a little thought to the potential of having a cesarean in order to advocate for their wishes should one become necessary.

In hindsight it would have been helpful for me to have thought about the following so that I could have advocated for myself:

My wish to view the birth by mirror or lowering the screen.
Asking to have the surgery described for me.
How I wished to have the moment of birth announced.
Asking for a view to the pediatric area.
Asking to have the newborn exam delayed until I had met my baby.

Also I feel extremely lucky that I was allowed the chance to:
Have skin to skin contact in the OR.
Breastfeed in the OR.

I'm sure not everyone wants the same things as me. Maybe the last thing some women would like is to have surgery described to them. Still having considered that in advance and being able to ask the attendants to use distraction techniques would help personal choice enter a situation where loss of control can be very overwhelming.

I know I spent more time considering genetic testing then I did having a cesarean, yet my risk of baby having a genetic abnormality was significantly less then the more then 1 in 4 chance Canadian women have of having a cesarean.

For me it came down to an emergency situation, everything moved very quickly and now I see how a little more prep could have saved me much heartache.

My Story

The more reading I do the more I feel at odds with the terms I find.
The birth of my son was not "normal" or "natural". It seems that once I crossed over from vaginal childbirth to the other side I am alienated from all the things that I feel define me.

And I'll admit before I had a cesarean I had an idea about them that was formed by the media. I thought they were the easy way out. What else could the term "to posh to push" mean?
I pushed my first baby out- and it hurt, took over a day for him to be born, and it took just as much time to much time to sew me up as my cesarean did. I felt like a trouper that I had done it "all natural". I had no idea that the reality of being cut open to have a baby is certainly not easier, maybe a bit more predictable, but not easier.

To me there seem to be two camps, one driven by the "natural" side, advocating for vaginal births, home birthing options, midwifery care, and avoidance of medical interventions.
The other camp is the medical establishment with a "better safe then sorry" approach to childbirth and the use of modern interventions. This dichotomy has existed for hundreds of years and the fact that women have a choice at all has been hard fought. Midwifes have only legally been allowed to be primary birth attendants in B.C. for just over 10 years.

Before my cesarean, I knew where I belonged, I'm an all natural girl . Now I feel rejected by the natural side, like I lost the good fight. I failed to be a statistic that will help women get greater choices and more satisfying births. I'm now on the tallies of why we need medical interventions.

I often wonder why almost six months after my birthing experience I am still compelled to examine my experience. I know that there must be a reason, and as I listen to more stories of women in my community I feel that perhaps this purpose is to help bring more choices to families who have unplanned cesareans. There are so many little ways I feel the natural aspect of child birth were unnecessarily stripped away from me.

There are many books on repeat cesareans, vbacs, cesarean prevention and such, but I'm yet to find anything that addresses how to make unplanned cesareans better.

Maybe it's time to speak up and all us natural girls need to help each other find a new term.
"My natural cesarean?"

My Story

People call me an earth mama, I make art, eat orgainic food, drink herbal concoctions, do yoga and as my brother put it: Im the last person he would have thought would have a cesarean.
Still, I was surprised at the huge reaction I had to having a cesarean section -besides just not much liking having emergency surgery and the trauma of fearing for my babies life, I struggled to relate to what had just happened. I felt a bit like I had been swallowed by medical machine that had taken over my body, invaded me with plastic tubes, dizzying narcotics and faceless people who looked right inside the depths of my body. Yet this same alien system had produced my beautiful baby.
I felt compelled to find out as much as I could about cesareans. I searched my local library catalog and found myself looking at a list of books topped by one called Not Of Woman Born.
This was how I felt. Somehow I had brought forth a baby without him being born.
I really wanted to find a way to pull his birth back into myself, to accept that I had birthed him. He had been brought forth from my body, covered in my blood, even if I didnt know the exact moment we became two.
I was hungry for information.
Pouring over the medical intervention chapters in my pregnancy books and talking to everyone I knew who had one just brought me tears not progress.
I had my first moment of reconnection when I read about tribal people in Africa, shamanic healers with well developed methods of performing cesarean births long before they were common in western cultures. Even though Im obviously not a tribal African, I felt I could relate to the earthiness of those people performing cesareans by torch light.
I found a first step in re-finding me.